There she was, in a shining deep blue armor holding her sword up high.
On the back of her black horse galloping faster than light, she was heading straight towards the beast. The screams of soldiers shouting out her name and cries for their fallen friends could be heard all across the kingdom. The wind whistling in her ear already chanting victory. The horse got closer but the beast only got bigger, you could see it now, the massive fangs on the hybrids head and the bright red feathered wings. It’s half lion half phoenix, stronger than the young warrior could ever imagine. Behind her flew arrows with their bullet points on fire, the army was targeting the wings but she was going straight for the head. Light struck and rain starts pouring on the battlefield, this was it. She was now closer than ever to the monster, raised her sword to end this once and for all and…
I opened my eyes. The insufferable sound of my alarm went off and there were no beasts to slay just a class to get to.
The fantasy changes. Some days it’s a warrior saving a kingdom. On others, it’s simply a confident high school student or maybe a young girl with a sense of identity. That girl isn’t me, it’s someone else that I long to be. Those fictional worlds and personas I’ll never attain but find such comfort in imagining, they fill my mind. When it seems like nothing you do feels right, you pretend it does. When the feeling of indecisiveness never goes away, you imagine it’s gone. But for how long can this banter last? Avoiding something doesn’t make it go away so I bury those worries within me and play someone else. A puppet, a character. One that knows what it wants, one that speaks up in what they believe, and mostly, one that feels certain. It’s false certainty, of course, just a comforting lie. Little by little, in such a subtle manner, I draw further and further away from the truth. But one cannot run forever.
At the end of the day when the mask falls down, I’m only left with all the things I want to run away from. Not even with all the distractions in the world can I hide from that moment right before falling asleep when I’m alone in bed. At that moment, a million and one thoughts crawl into my mind, I can’t take it. Just like that, the warrior is back.
The head of the hybrid collapses on the leafy ground of the dark forest, as shouts of victory fill the air. The monster’s silver blood covers her face but she smiles. She did it. A feast is organized in her honor, musicians play till the sun rises and the whole village dances the night away. She was exactly where she was meant to be, surrounded by triumph and loved ones. What a lovely story, a saved kingdom celebrating the defeat of a monster and their new hero. It’s almost too perfect… I check my email and see 3 assignments due tomorrow.
So it goes on.
Reality check. Character activated. I act like someone else most of the time and I’m good at it. Dishonesty is an easy path, but how can I ever develop a sense of identity if everything is a pretty lie tied with a bow? One might disagree but slaying a beast in battle sounds like a better plan to me than to face personal conflict. Maybe there’s a part of me that wants to have those qualities, brave, kind, determined. Maybe the fantasy isn’t so random and one day I’ll make those qualities my reality.